he conversation at a recent dinner party turned into shoptalk. A supplier began venting, frustrated with a rude meeting planner (who remained nameless). That led to a full-blown discussion of manners in our industry and the role they play in the planner-supplier relationship. We wondered: Are our manners disappearing?

"We are experiencing a breakdown of manners in the world," said Joan Eisenstodt, chief strategist, Eisenstodt Associates LLC. "People talk on cell phones or text message while in the company of others; people think nothing of accepting invitations and then 'no-showing'; people jump in front of others in lines and no 'excuse me' is uttered. People talk in movies and legitimate theatres because they are used to watching videos and DVDs at home. I think the world is moving too fast and people are in such a hurry that they forget there are others (besides them) who need to be considered when acting," she said.

Planners complain that suppliers have become too aggressive and don't know how to accept "no" when it comes to business. Suppliers say planners don't return phone calls or e-mails and, more often, accept an invitation to a supplier-sponsored event without intending to show up.

"One could say it directly correlates with the general opinion that everyone has more work on their plates, and fewer people are on staff to take care of more work. Likely this has an impact on manners, but not because people are getting more rude, but rather, because there's less time to afford everyone the same courtesies expected years ago," said Anna Vuckovic Gebert, national convention sales manager, St. Louis Convention & Visitors Commission.

"There is a 'me' culture out there," said Susan Cairnes, assistant director, meetings, American Association of Museums. "Give me what I want first, then possibly I will work with you on your needs. Or your e-mail or phone call inquiries go unanswered. I find myself doing an awful lot of follow-up these days."

One planner said she was dealing with a perfectly professional supplier - that is, until the time came for the planner to pick a vendor to work her conference. Up to that point, the relationship between the planner and the three bidding suppliers had gone flawlessly (the suppliers knew they were bidding against each other).

When the decision was made, one of the suppliers not chosen thanked the planner for the opportunity and moved on. The other expressed anger at the decision, wrote inappropriate e-mails maligning the other suppliers, and informed the planner that her event would turn out to be a disaster because of the supplier she picked.

One supplier told of a time when she invited a planner to attend a weekday major league baseball game, in an effort to help the planner get a better sense of the city she was considering for her meeting. The potential client showed up with her husband, never bothering to ask if there was an extra ticket for him. They ate food, drank alcohol, and mingled with no one. They fell asleep for the remainder of the game and left at the end without saying goodbye or thank you.

Can You Hear Me Now?
There will always be the ignorant among us, but is technology - meant to make us more efficient - also making us less polite?

Technology allows us to isolate ourselves more than ever before. We don't even have to leave our homes if we wish. We spend less time in social settings, fewer hours on the phone and even fewer hours doing business face-to-face.

"Interestingly, technology, which is being utilized by all, is one of the causes [of the breakdown in manners]. A faster-paced lifestyle for all is another cause. And yes, it is deeper than having our feelings hurt. Manners have not 'gone away' - some things have changed, like being able to e-mail when you previously would have written a note and mailed it," Eisenstodt said.

Younger generations, especially Gen Y, are so tech savvy that they are impatient with other generations that are less so. Whereas a Baby Boomer may write an e-mail or text message using such formalities as, "Dear," "Thank you," or "Regards," the Gen X and Y workers see technology purely as a quick, to-the-point method of communication. When you are text messaging, sending a message via BlackBerry, or Instant Messaging, you dispense with the polite formalities. Your message is designed to be quick, short, brusque.

"Seasoned employees may be offended by not understanding the etiquette of technology," said generational marketing expert Ann Fishman (see more about the generations in the sidebar on p. 86). "Gen Xers will get offended if you don't use technology appropriately or use e-mail and text the 'wrong way.'"

"I think everyone has misinterpreted an e-mail or taken it the wrong way," said Kevin Cannady, senior special events coordinator, National Kidney Foundation. It doesn't mean the person was being rude." E-mails can be impersonal. You don't have the advantage of being able to read the other person by his or her tone in a phone conversation, or even better, pick up on facial cues during a face-to-face meeting.

Vuckovic Gebert agrees: "I think technology plays a primary role in etiquette because there can be gross misinterpretations over e-mail that wouldn't happen face to face … I don't think there's a single person who hasn't had the experience of receiving an e-mail that is hard to decipher, whether it's the tone or the message."

When someone does call, technology like Caller ID allows us to hide and send those calls we don't want to deal with immediately to voice mail.

Vuckovic Gebert, who entered the industry right out of college just under five years ago, believes it's all a matter of perspective, which often does come down to generational expectations.

"I think it's subjective. If an older gentleman considers a phone call or face-to-face interaction the only way to properly agree to contract terms, then he will think it's rude to send a contract via e-mail. On the other hand, the younger generation may simply find it more efficient to use e-mail for all interactions … and may actually think they are being more considerate by contributing positively to the other person's time management," she said.

According to Ann Fishman, generational marketing expert (www.annfishman.com), generational differences certainly can influence the way suppliers and planners communicate and may lead to the interpretations of rudeness in the meetings industry.

Under-30 planner Kevin Cannady, senior special events coordinator, National Kidney Foundation, said, "I just think business is handled differently nowadays. This is an era of immediacy, which may contribute to the perception of poor manners. The days of doing a deal with a handshake are long gone. You have to have a contract just to move a box … you just can't take anyone's word anymore."

"The generations are different. They have different work habits, communication skills, and motivations. Once you understand the distinction, you can work very well with each other," said Fishman.

To demonstrate the difference, Fishman refers to the flip-flop scandal at the White House, when the Northwestern University champion women's lacrosse team wore flip-flops to a ceremony hosted by President Bush in 2005. It made national press. While many thought their footwear was inappropriate, the young Gen-Y ladies didn't understand the fuss. Once they learned how they erred, they turned a lemon into lemonade by auctioning off the frowned-upon footwear for charity. "I just think business is handled differently nowadays. This is an era of immediacy, which may contribute to the perception of poor manners."

"One issue is lack of respect for values, attitudes, and lifestyles between the generations," Fishman said. "If you're over a certain age you may not understand that younger workers are not trained like you."

Fishman says all generations are hard workers; they just work differently. Baby Boomers put their noses to the grindstones and worked long hours over many years at possibly just one job or career. They often see Gen X workers as slackers. "

Gen X workers aren't slackers," said Fishman. "Where Baby Boomers worked hard, Xers learned to work smarter." Fishman explains that Xers are survivors. They were the first generation to endure significantly high divorce rates and one-parent families. They were the first to have to check their Halloween candy for drugs and razor blades. During their formative years, there were few adults to pass on the rules of manners; that they learned from the media.

Fishman said, "Gen Xers may make mistakes when it comes to business, but the minute they catch it, they will self-correct. They want to survive, be mentored, and learn how to do better business."

Gen Yers - raised on YouTube and MySpace - do not place such a high premium on privacy as previous generations. They have strong family and government support, which makes them feel authorized and capable of making great changes.

"Gen Y is the second largest generation of teenagers in America," Fishman said. "They have been working from a young age and are good team players. But they feel empowered and believe they can do everything their way. This generation got a trophy for just showing up so they don't realize that in business it's about achievement. This generation will need to be trained by corporate America about confidentiality, manners, and decorum in business. This generation is bright as pennies. Give them the right motivation and they will learn."

Gen Xer Paul Barbaro, Hilton Sales Worldwide, has been in the industry for two years and thinks it's primarily his generation's responsibility to learn the ropes from the older workers. "Younger planners were brought up in a different world than say an individual who has been in the industry for 10-20 years and they may think they are in the right," he said. "I would say younger planners and suppliers are not entitled to anything. I would have to say that we should learn our practices from the experienced individuals."

Alan L. Kleinfeld, CMP, has 15 years of experience in the meetings industry as a contributing writer and editor.